Hey, I’m going to hope everyone who’s following me or hopes to keep in touch with me reads this. I made a new tumblr blog. This one seems to have attracted quite a bit of useless junk and I felt like I needed to shed the old skin and feel reborn. I guess this is my madonna phase, but anyway. Here’s the new tumblr:
You’re welcome to follow me or not.
All my love, Slightly.
Its not really a secret, I’ve got some big animals in my life, and I’m not just talking about my pets.
If you still remember, an ex girlfriend named Dana(who left us around the time we started getting to know Regina), was in some sorts a very spiritual woman.
Sometimes I do regret what happened between her and I considering the problems I’ve been having recently but she doesn’t want to forgive me or Bryan for what happened.
When we were together though, she had told me and Josh that we had ‘split souls’.
I won’t go into details on Josh’s but that one of them, Reaper, is a wolf in nature.
My splits consist of Scarlette(A fairy), Midnight(A wolf), and Mavrick(An unknown).
The reason Josh and I were attracted to eachother back at the lake was because we both knew eachother was different(he was more receptive to it than myself of course).
Most recently, I’ve been talking to another wolf on Okcupid who has been serving as my councellor since the incident with my Dad. Since then I’ve vented, cried, vented some more and yelled all about my feelings to anyone who had the misfortune of passing by. One of the things the wolf had mentioned though, was that I was holding onto a fantasy. That it was clear my father has no respect for me and no love for me. Me clinging to the idea that I could have my dad back was doing nothing but hurting myself. I’ve been slowly rebuilding myself and finding joy in my life without him in it. I’ve been content with the one-two words he says to me as he waddles back to his bedroom for more pain pills.
Dana had also said that Bryan had some very wolf-like qualities but that they weren’t as prominant as mine and Josh’s. I think its becoming more and more vivid as his mind is changing though.
Both of them have been so good to me, its hard to believe we’ve been doing this for almost a year. As a side note though, our family is growing. I found out I was pregnant on 12|12|12(Right? Thats never going to happen again! lol) and the nurse has estimated that right now I’m about 6-7 weeks along in my pregnancy.
I’ve gotten so much love and support from the boys and my closest friends and I know I’ll never have to face this alone.
More recently, Jacob has been officially removed from my life. I came to the realization that I don’t need his negativity or his hate toward me and since I started my relationship with Josh, Jacob has done nothing but bully me around. Finding out I was pregnant was the last straw for him. He expressed extreme jealousy because I will be taking a paternity test when the baby is born to discover which of the boys is the biological father and because its proof that I was having sex with someone other than him. He was clearly dillusional and his words hurt me so much that I found myself crying alone in my bed. Josh jumped to my aid and went after Jacob on facebook and I deleted/blocked his profile from my own. This however, didn’t stop him from making a second AND a third facebook profile to continue the harassment. His final message was the most hurtfull and looking back at it, I’m genuinely happy I’ve erased him from my future. He was not good for me at all.
On another note, and this is the last one, some time back me and the boys were out shopping. I know I was the only one in the group that noticed her and meeting her eyes, seeing her smile just once, made me feel so good about everything that had been going on. I was so afraid to say anything and I kept it to myself. Tonight my curiosity spiked and I noticed she is still following my blog here on tumblr. I went further, reading over her most recent posts and I’m happy to know she’s doing so well for herself. Something bubbled in my stomache when I saw her post about seeing me at the store as well. I couldn’t help but grin ear to ear and part of me knows, she’ll see this, she’ll know. I don’t think I could ever stop caring about her, what happened in the past stung so hard, she was the first girl I actually fell for, she was something so much deeper than the dirty shows in front of horny boyfriends. All the same, it was the past and I’ve been able to forgive her, I know that her actions were based on her illness and not being able to take her antidepressants and I’ve moved on. She’s made it clear that she’s moved on as well and I’m happy that she’s happy. Her life is her own and more than anything, I’m proud of her for thinking of herself and doing what makes her feel wonderfull. I hope she knows, I’m doing the same, then maybe, we can be eachother’s passing blurs, shadows behind the isles at the grocery store, always somehow touched by eachothers presence yet never aware of the effect until so much later.
Thats everything though, all balled up into one big snuggley me!
Okay, so here’s the most recent low-down.
Things are… okay, I guess. I think.. I hope. <3
My parents fight, its a normal reaction to being a couple I think. My dad is a horrible person and everybody already knew it but recently he got a hold of my mom and beat the shit out of her. There’s no pretty way to say it, she looked really rough. He reached a point where he was showing up at her work to harass her which was embarassing and frightening.
This was when I saw some good men’s true colors. I know for a fact that if I hadn’t have pushed him away, Josh would have ripped my dad apart. To be honest, I wanted to too. At the time though, I felt like I had something to prove I guess. I wanted to prove that we were human, that we could be better than what we wanted to show in that moment if anger. Long story short, she got a restraining order against my dad, me and the boys moved in to help her and not long after, dad moved back in as well. He’s mentioned that he prefers it with me and the boys living here(regardless of all the nasty words he called me before regarding my relationships). He keeps saying that he and I are exactly the same. I think it may be because he still believes that I am cheating on Bryan with Josh. Even though I’ve told him that its consensual, that the boys have had other relationships and none of us consider it cheating, it seems a bit stretched for him to believe it.
So far, he’s been under control. He and Mom have patched things up and they both know I don’t think I have it in me to hold Josh back should the mood strike again.
Bryan(My husband) has gotten a new job working at a 24 hr casino. The pay is good considering the amount of work he’s doing and he seems to be making friends. He had an interest in a girl named Crystal but found out that she had a boyfriend and dropped the interest. The only thing I don’t like about him working there is the 10 hr late night shifts and the distance we have to drive. He usually leaves in the afternoon-evening hours when everyone else is off work and need the truck(thus I take him to work), and then he gets off work in the wee hours of the morning, usually 2am-4am ish. The problem? I’ve gotten to where I’m tired and ready for bed at 10pm. -_-; Everyone else works early day shifts and aren’t able to go get him, thus I have to stay up long past my bedtime and drive a far distance down a two-lane highway with no streetlights. -___-; So far I’ve managed to be safe, trying to stay up later at night but it doesn’t work, I still get up in the AM.
Josh(My Boyfriend) has managed to strike out with four different women in a matter of weeks, two of which were my best friends.
Part of me knows the reason those two denied him were because of me, they don’t want to see me as competition and they don’t like the idea of being ‘secondary’. I should feel bad, I did nothing to console those thoughts in them. Rachel had been in the midst of a horrible breakup and Sherrita’s husband had just left her… Both of them have started up their relationships with their original significant others(Which I knew was going to happen due to their track record and warned Josh about this). He and I have talked it over, he feels like he doesn’t want another romantic relationship, he wants a ‘fuck-buddy’, just that no one seems to have that sort of attraction to him. He knows I consider him on equal footing with Bryan and that they are both my ‘primaries’, but he doesn’t like the idea of having some sort of ceremony to show dedication to eachother like a wedding. I’ve opted that he and I get matching tattoos. I’ve never had a tattoo before and I’m scared out of my mind, but I love the idea of security to eachother. We’ve agreed that its going to be a Beetles lyric but which one hasn’t been decided yet. The more I think about it the better I feel. Its something that can’t be stolen or misplaced, its eternal like us.
I’ve tried discussing something of that nature for Bryan as well. He’s very against getting a tatto(which is fine) and neither of us ever had an official wedding ring before(at the courthouse he put a plastic silver ring on my finger). He seems just more apt to agree with everything I say instead of giving me his opinion which I find upsetting. I don’t think he likes it that Josh and I are getting tattoos but when I try to talk about it with him he pushes me away.
Since the incident with my Dad I’ve wanted to talk to a counselor. I know its mostly for me, I know that I’m still very angry with him. I’ve talked to my mom about it but she seems to have misplaced the idea in the shuffle of things and I feel bad that the whole situation is just a flicker of the past as opposed to proof that something needs to be fixed. I shouldn’t hate my father the way I do. I know there was a time, years ago, when we got along, actually had some sort of friendship but now its just gone. I want to forgive him, not just for what he did to mom but for everything, my ruined childhood, the bowls of cereal thrown at me as punishment for staying home sick from school, the people migrating in and out of the house and the phones ringing at all hours of the night. The barely dressed women and the locked doors. I just want to feel like I have a father again but it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen anytime soon. There’s a long list of things that he’s done to me and I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive him for everything.
There’s no telling what all I’ve blocked out.
As for the DD/lg part of mine and Bryan’s relationship, it seems to be on hold, mostly because we’re living with my parents and there’s little-no privacy and with his new job, time is limited.
I am now, however, unemployed. I’m in charge of the money on my triad’s corner of the house/finances and playing stay at home wife with my Dad. We don’t talk though, maybe one or two words in passing but thats what our relationship has turned into.
That’s pretty much everything though, since my last post at least.
Thanksgiving was great, I had turkey with jalepeno butter for the first time and it knocked me on my ass, drank rum, got sick and went black friday shopping where Bryan got me an art set with his tip money, as well as a diary without lines. Hopefully I can start venting some of these feelings in ways that words can’t describe.
I have been thinking about it for some time now.
Bryan and I don’t play as often as I would like so I’ve been definately trying to bring my “little” self into more conversations. I really don’t know how else to talk about my little self without referring to her as a seperate entity, because to me, she is. She is not who I present myself as in the public world.
To everyone else I am a full grown adult, I drink alchohol on occaision, I kiss my boyfriend goodnight, I clean, cook and drive cars. Granted these things are done out of a basic progression.
Then its like, I switch brains. I put on my pink rimmed glasses and I’m not the same person I was before. I get excited about toys and stuffed animals. I want to sit on a bed that is much bigger than myself(ae “Daddy’s bed”) and color in my coloring books. I don’t answer to my real name when I wear those glasses, when I have her brain in my head, I’m not the same.
Don’t get me wrong, both versions of myself come completely naturally to me. I don’t have to force myself into either headspace and it helps that I’m relatively immature as an adult, I think.
There really isn’t a purpose to this post though, just getting it out I guess. It was on my mind, I was curious if others felt that way about changing headspaces, if there are different perceptions from inside the fetish community. Other people who just experience a different flavor of being daddy’s/mommy’s little girl/boy/pet/angel/brat or whatever you come out as.
You’re wise beyond your years Charlie Brown.
Children shouldn’t be plagued with thoughts like this.
Anonymous said: I actually saw it on your facebook page and was curious
Ahh, you’re on my facebook?
If you’re referring to the secret that a close friend recently took to his grave I’m afraid I can’t give you the details of it. All I can really say is it was a deal made between the two of us when I was very lost to my own mind.
He made it a point to keep it private and it would be an insult to him if I were to release its intimates.
Perhaps I would be willing to tell you more on the matter if you came off of Anonymous, considering I only keep the trusted few on my facebook page.
Anonymous said: heard you learned a secret will you share with us
That depends very greatly on who you heard from about me learning a secret. I love sharing secrets dear anon, but I have so many, I need to keep my story straight. ;]
She turned her radio up higher in her dorm, dancing in a t-shirt and her underwear.
"THERE IS A RAINBOW OVER THUH HOOD!!"
Anonymous said: Are you still giving out cuddles? I need one so bad right now.
Dearest anon, I am always giving cuddles. ;] The weather recently is definately cause for some comfy snuggles, I understand your plight.
Anonymous said: Call me Sarah, I think you should try to talk to her and see if it was a misunderstanding girls (being one myself) sometimes say things cause they don't want to deal with it you've given her space maybe see whats really going on put her under a microscope thingie and make her tell you the truth I had my ex do that and I was surprised
Sarah, I appriciate the advice but I’m afraid I’ve crossed too many lines with her. The last thing I would want to do is pressure her into something that she doesn’t want. I know sometimes there just aren’t words to describe the mind yet(living with boys, I can understand that). She’s made it very clear to me though that she wants nothing to do with me, deep down though I just wish she could forgive me. We don’t have to be together if she doesn’t want to be, I know she can find happiness elsewhere and she doesn’t need me, I just never felt the closure of it ya know?
Watching Vier sing/dance Numa Numa to Josh in both English AND Romanian.
This is a wonderfull evening.
Anonymous said: You say you like this girl you speak of then why does she have to ask to have time with you and be with when you clearly live with the other people and you see them all the time?
She would never have had to ‘ask’ for time to be with me. Our schedules were simply conflicting and without a phone or internet at home, our communication time was limited as is. All I ever wanted was for her to tell me when she wasn’t happy. My focus had to be on other things, at the time my grandfather was dying, I was working extra shifts(thus I could not see the boys ‘all the time’ as you put it) and gas money/transportation was running short. It was a tight month for everyone. I just needed her to understand that I couldn’t/still can’t, read her mind. I kept up with her facebook posts and made it a point to know she was okay and how her illness was affecting her but outside of that I was constantly running. I just feel like the whole thing was a misunderstanding that could have been fixed and now that I’ve seen her other blog, I know the truth of why she dumped me and how she didn’t believe anything I said when I poured my heart out to her. All thats left now is a memory, a painfull memory that I wish could have gone a different direction, but I can’t change the past, I refuse to judge her or hate her for her choice and I know that her feelings for me now are brutal and vicious. I hope that answered your question anon, I know I sort of vented and for that I apologize, it just struck a chord in me and saying ‘scheduling errors’ didn’t seem to do the situation, or her, justice.
She’s just the perfect girl and I’m just a whore.